It was one of those nights I just didn’t have the energy to cook. I called in my to-go order and waited the 20 minutes advised before I walked down the street to pick it up. I walked in, greeted the waitress and inquired about where to pick up my food. She looked at me with an “Uh-oh” look and reached over to pick up a small piece of paper which obviously had my order on it. Instantly I realized that she had gotten side tracked and spaced putting my order in. I’ve worked in the restaurant industry and have had this happen to me on more than one occasion. However, instead of just acknowledging her mistake she said, “The bartender got caught up and hasn’t had the time to put the order in yet.” I looked at her like a child who said they hadn’t been in the cookie jar, while holding a half eaten cookie, “Are you talking about the order that you took and are holding in your hand?” She blankly looked at me and said she would go check with the bartender. She came back momentarily and let me know the order had been put in on a rush and that I could wait for it at the bar. I wavered between being dumbstruck and totally enraged. If it wasn’t for the conscious acknowledgement of the martini I had before coming to get my food I would have dealt with the situation more directly. I couldn’t guarantee my articulation or censoring ability, so I went to the bar in exasperation. The bartender unconvincingly said he was apologetic, and offered me water while I waited. In my mind I thought, “Water?!” Water isn’t an atonement beverage; not that I needed another drink. Since the hostess and her accomplice didn’t want to acknowledge any wrong doing, they of course didn’t really put my order on rush. So I waited another 25 minutes to get my meal. Repressed by my martini imposed censoring, I had no other recourse but to look sullen, annoyed and miserable. When I finally got my food and walked towards the door, the hostess said off handedly, “Again, sorry for the confusion.” Yeah, right. After waking up the following morning with a clearer head, I surrendered to the reality that very few people understand the two important components of a heart felt apology; accepting responsibility and validating the other person’s feelings. An apology is one of the rarest gifts that can be given and one that the hostess wasn’t able to give.
I believe the reason that the hostess didn’t apologize is because most likely she has never received a significant one herself. If you think that is hard to believe, think about how many times you’ve been apologized to in a really heart felt, genuine way. Most of us have been tossed the occasional, “I’m sorry,” but that doesn’t really do the trick. An apology sounds more like, “Sweetheart, I really lost my temper last night and I’m sorry. No matter how frustrated I was, I never should have yelled and flown off the handle. You have every right to feel hurt.” Most of us don’t give apologies because we never learned how to do it as children. I think our parents felt they would give up some aspect of their power if they acknowledged they weren’t perfect. I’m sure most of us have memories of our parents losing their tempers, saying things they shouldn’t have, or breaking promises. Instead of apologizing they either rationalized or minimized. Our parents rationalized their behavior by turning it back on us, “I never would have lost my temper if you kids didn’t drive me crazy.” Or they minimized, “Stop your sulking, it was only a ball game.” It’s hard to know how to apologize when this skill wasn’t role modeled for many of us. Instead we learned invalidation and ego defense.
I believe most people refuse to apologize due to our society’s conditioning that we are what we do. Most of us have this underlying notion that succeeding is evidence that we are good and worthy, and that making a mistake is a reflection that we are a disappointment. On some level the hostess must have believed I thought she was lazy, incompetent or an idiot for not putting in the order. Or most likely she believed that about herself. An apology might have felt like a confirmation of this and too painful to give. She may have learned this when, as a child, she spilled the proverbial milk and received, “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t even drink a glass of milk without spilling like a baby?! Now clean this mess up.” Most of our parents were not taught by our grandparents how to help us see who we are as people. The hostess’ parents probably didn’t let her know what a gorgeous spirit she is and what inherently about her there is to be proud of. Instead as children most of us had to do things to get our parents’ approval. When we did good things they were happy. When we made mistakes we were an inconvenience, a burden, and bad. The reality is that we are not what we do. Everyone makes mistakes. We break things, forget, can be insensitive and say things we shouldn’t. It is only when we show a lack of personal integrity that we become a disappointment to others. What needs to be clarified is that most mistakes have nothing to do with a lack of integrity. It is our unwillingness to apologize that becomes the statement of our character.
Realize that solely saying the words, “I’m sorry” isn’t an apology. When said in isolation they come across as superficial appeasement. The hostess tossing me, “I’m sorry again for the confusion,” was too little too late. In her mind she apologized; in my mind she was patronizing. “I’m sorry,” falls short and leaves us feeling like we need more. Imagine your friend accidentally spills wine on your shirt. You love this shirt and are heartbroken. You look up at your friend, who says, “Hey, I’m sorry.” Now think of what you would immediately say right after. It would probably be something along the lines of, “Oh my God, I loved this shirt.” Your friend then says, “I said I was sorry.” Think about it, would that be enough to end the conversation? I doubt it. You’d probably throw in, “It’s never going to come out.” You would keep coming back with more because you don’t think your friend truly understands what they have done. We are looking for more and grow more irritated when we don’t get it.
The first part of a really great apology is the acceptance of responsibility. Even when we do make a mistake that shows a momentary lack of integrity, we rise far above it when we apologize. A few years back I had talked about a colleague behind her back. She found out and had the incredible character to address it with me personally. It was really humbling, but her integrity called forth my own, “You are right, I did tell Lauren that I thought you weren’t pulling your weight and I am so sorry for saying that behind your back instead of talking with you about it personally. It was unprofessional and petty.” The more specific we are in taking responsibility the faster we heal the other person. If you stop at, “I really lost my temper” your partner will be left with residual wonder at whether you meant some of what you said. By adding, “I went way below the belt when I called you, ‘a stupid idiot.’ Even though I really don’t understand your point of view, it doesn’t make you stupid. I was insulting and it was uncalled for,” you cast out doubt and real healing can take place. Remember, taking responsibility isn’t an acknowledgement that you are a bad person; it is an acknowledgement you made a mistake.
The second part of a generous apology is validating the other person’s feelings. Validating another person lets them know that they have the right to their feelings, even if they might be different than what yours would be in that situation. One of the most invalidating comments we can hear, and we hear it often, is, “I’m sorry you are so upset.” This is an underhanded way for someone to tell us that they don’t really feel they did anything wrong and feel we are being overly sensitive. Invalidating someone has the same affect of spraying lighter fluid onto hot coals. The mistake made is magnified and turned into a much greater insult. You can tell the emotion that needs to be validated in the other person just by listening and looking at them. In order to validate my colleague I added, “You must feel really disrespected.” What would have been nice to hear from the hostess was, “You have every right to feel irritated.” When someone tells you they feel hurt by you, all you need to do is agree, “How could you not be? I am so sorry.”
You might be wondering what you should do when you are called to apologize for something you really don’t feel warrants an apology. There are indeed times when you truly feel apologizing would sacrifice your sense of self. This might be when someone is insulted when you rightfully stand up for yourself or when you’ve had to be honest about something that the other person didn’t really want to hear. In these rare and significant moments you can still validate their feelings, “While I can’t apologize, I can understand why from your point of view you’d feel hurt. That wasn’t my intention.” You can also take a close inventory of your delivery. Was your honesty given in the most respectful, caring way? If not you might need to apologize for the delivery instead of the message. For the most part, when someone says that they feel hurt, insulted, inconvenienced or wronged, there is usually truth in it. While what we did may not seem offensive to us, we have to take our actions to heart based on the person we are dealing with. There might not be anything in our wardrobe that we are wedded to enough to cry over being spilled on. However, we may have a friend who loves fashion and the loss of a blouse is cause for real upset. It is all about empathy. Putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes and having the courtesy of consideration.
A couple of years go I received the gift of a very significant apology from someone I am very close to. While I’ve received apologies from waitresses for meals wrongly cooked, or for other inconsequential mistakes, this was the first apology I’ve ever received for something incredibly personal. The action from my loved one was hurtful at the time. Even though I knew there wasn’t ill intent I was still very upset. At first the action had me second guessing the trust I had in our relationship. That was until my loved one took specific and heart felt responsibility. She shared her intention so I knew where she was coming from, but without any defense. The empathy and validation she gave was deep. The mistaken action was forgiven. The profound depth of the apology may stick with me for a life time. She saw me as a person and validated me on a level I had never received before. In doing so my respect for her integrity and the trust I have in her grew exponentially. I feel nothing but gratitude.
We all make mistakes both small and significant in our lives. If we defend ourselves in each, out of fear of what these mistakes mean about us as people, we spend our lives stealing little bits of self esteem from others. When we courageously open our hearts to acknowledge our wrong doing, we also open up the door to discovering how we can grow as people. No matter whether a hostess gets busy and forgets to put in an order or whether we show a lack of integrity by talking about someone behind their back, every apology given both small and significant is a means of seeing and validating another spirit. In doing so we pass along one of the greatest gifts there is to give – genuine love.