Hey… how are you doing? No seriously… really… how are you? As parents we not only think about how best to raise our children, we have careers, drive carpools, make dinner, do laundry, keep up the yard, clean, coordinate family schedules, pay bills, take care of our own parents, attend appointments, cheer at our children’s activities, keep on top of grades and homework, shop for gifts…it is exhausting merely generating this endless list. We spend so much time taking care of others, many times we forget about ourselves and our marriages. There is only so much time and it’s easy to put off taking care of ourselves for another day. Unfortunately, that other day can turn into months, years or decades. We might feel that making sacrifices is necessary in order to make sure our children are successful and happy. I’d like to make the opposite argument. In order to really be there for others it is imperative that we care of others.
As our stress, burn out or spiritual depletion increases, our ability to parent decreases. Many of us catch ourselves snapping or even yelling at our kids due to the pressure built up from an overwhelming day. Stress makes us overly irritable and short tempered. The windows of opportunity that our teens give us for quality interactions are few. Some of us are so mentally overwhelmed we might retreat physically or emotionally when our children need us to be available. When burnt out, we are no longer able to be observant to the changes in our children’s moods or activities. We might be so exhausted we’ll do anything to avoid a conflict. Hence we might not set or hold the limits that children need. These are only a few of the consequences that come from different signs of stress, all of which can lead to a deteriorated relationship with our children.
We are role models, so our children are observing how we keep our balance. When parents are asked what they do for stress management, many will not have much of an answer. Taking a half hour to ourselves after work to take a shower, quietly work in the garden, or just lay on the bed to collect our thoughts is a positive way to make the transition home. Having some time for a glass of wine or stroll with our spouse or friend to talk about the day is a constructive way to decompress. Regular exercise, working on a creative project, eating well and getting good sleep are all ways to help stay balanced. Aggressively driving your way home to drink multiple beers, snap at your loved ones and then later escape into the television doesn’t alleviate stress. None of us would condone our children handling their stress this way, so we must practice what we preach.
When we do nothing but cater to our children without regard to ourselves, we can breed in them a level of narcissism and self focus. Developmentally it is common for children to feel that they are at the center or cause of things. As parents we try to expand their world by getting them involved in community service, doing chores and helping family members. However, when we wait on our children never considering our own needs, their sense of narcissism is reinforced and is carried into adulthood. When they are catered to at home, a child will then expect that it will happen elsewhere. They gain a sense of entitlement and a lack of gratitude when people go out of their way for them.
If your marriage takes a back seat to children, you may find that once they leave for college there is not much left of your relationship. When couples do not spend regular quality time together the sense of parental teamwork diminishes. Kids know when there is weak communication between their parents and usually take advantage of this in the form of manipulation. A break down in communication can lead to constant fighting and bickering between parents which can cause depression and anxiety in children. When a couple doesn’t remain connected romantically, the relationship becomes more vulnerable to affairs and divorce.
In reading this you might feel that this is all well and good, but really you don’t have time. There are indeed only 24 hours in a day. However, what does it say if out of that day we can’t find 30 minutes for ourselves or our spouses? It tells our children, our spouses and ultimately ourselves that we/our marriage is not important. Over time this can erode our whole sense of self. When our children grow up, they will not know how to take care of themselves, or will expect that their spouse will sacrifice all for them.
The solution to this quandary is the most pleasurable prescription you will ever receive. Come up with a routine that gives you that down time. Maybe you will need to ask your kids to take on an additional chore or two to give you that extra moment. Maybe we have to make sure we are allowing our spouses to support us in getting more time. Maybe we can allow our own parents or friends to watch our kids so we can take a romantic weekend with our spouses. As a guideline having at least 30 minutes each weekday, one 2-3 hour block on the weekend, and 1 weekend out of 52 a year is a good start. Has it been so long you don’t even know what to do with that time? Here are some ideas.
Start a creative project such as creative writing, needlepoint, crafts, gardening, woodworking or painting. If you don’t know how to do these…take a class.
Read a pleasure book and think about joining/starting a book club.
If you love to cook but don’t have time, cook a gourmet meal for your spouse and turn Saturday or Sunday night into a date night. If you don’t like to cook, have a regular date night to go out to eat or go to the movies (hold hands). Make a pact to not talk about the kids.
Each day figure out a time to regularly talk with your spouse. That time can be over coffee in the morning, a glass of wine after work, a stroll in the evening, or in your room at the end of the day.
Be decadent by taking a bubble bath, give yourself a manicure, read a magazine. Maybe do one of these things after you get home from work.
Be quiet by just sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, enjoy the sun, watch the birdfeeder or gaze at the moon. Take a yoga class or learn to meditate.
Take a vacation without the kids or take a weekend all by yourself. Make it a golf retreat or a spa getaway. Take an overnight to a bed and breakfast in state
You know that your kids, the phone or spouse might try to interrupt. Let them know ahead of time that you aren’t to be disturbed. The more routine you make it and the more you stick to your boundaries, the more likely others will respect this time. In the beginning if you can’t justify it for yourself, do it for your kids. Over time you will realize how much you need it and deserve it yourself.