“You know what? I think you are wonderful. I couldn’t ask for anyone better to share my life with.”
There is nothing that makes us feel more loved than words of appreciation. We all crave to be noticed by our family, friends, colleagues and clients. Mutual gratitude can be the glue that solidifies significant relationships. Words of appreciation are very, very powerful. It’s unfortunate that these words of recognition circulate so sparingly. We spend more time focusing on what is wrong than on what is being done right. Think about the last time you received words of appreciation and by whom. More importantly, when was the last time you gave the gift of gratitude. Many of us have to think too hard for an answer to that question. I don’t believe this is because we are inherently stingy, negative people. I believe we live in a culture of appreciation scarcity. Despite this, we can all make a conscious commitment to regularly appreciate others. In doing so, we have the power to affect people and relationships through empowerment.
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your dependability every day. You give me one less thing to think about because I can completely trust that this task will get done like clock work. Thank you.”
When we are recognized a glowing spark of pride is lit. This spark causes a small blush and the energy to stand up a little taller. We understand whatever task we are doing is being seen, making us want to do it that much better. This goes for something as important as medical research or as mundane as cleaning a toilet. This pride can last minutes or hours. When we show appreciation for the person rather than the task, the pride has the ability to penetrate even deeper. If given regularly enough for someone to internalize that they are inherently valuable, this glow can be lit for a life time.
“I am so glad you are home. I always look forward to you walking through that door. Now come here and let me give you a kiss.”
It’s hard to pass on what we haven’t been given. Most of us did not receive appreciation and praise as children, hence, it doesn’t come to mind to give it to others. Many parents teach children about appreciation by demanding it for themselves. Some parents feel resentful that their children don’t recognize all the time or care that it takes to make dinner, take them to the park, or help with homework. They feel their children should automatically thank them or reciprocally give something such as behaving themselves. There is the rote lesson of, “Thank Mrs. Wilson for the cookie.” The child dutifully mimics, “Thank you Mrs. Wilson.” Instead of teaching children how to be polite we want to teach them to light the spark of pride in people. It is only when we ignite it in them by regularly expressing our appreciation for them that they learn the experiential importance of noticing others. When they see us role model sharing gratitude on a regular basis they will begin to share this gift themselves. You tell your wife, “Sweetheart, this lasagna is fantastic.” To which your child begins to add, “Yeah Mom it is great!”
“What a gorgeous picture. I love the colors you chose. You have such a great imagination.”
The reality that many of us are appreciation starved is the root cause of our greater tendency to criticize. Each time we judge another person, we praise ourselves. When we think, “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that” we mentally congratulate ourselves for our own tasteful fashion sense. When the car ahead is driving too slowly, we boost our own road prowess by barking, “Idiot” as we pull out to pass. In judging another woman for choosing to work instead of stay at home with her baby, we reinforce our own sense of mothering superiority. Since so little recognition and praise is given to us, we are left to boost our own self esteem. Since we never grew up hearing that we were appreciated we don’t even know how to praise ourselves in a positive way. Hence we give it to ourselves indirectly and negatively.
You hear the garbage truck in front of your house. You step outside your door and wave until the collectors see you and over the noise of the truck you smile and shout, “Thank you!!!”
Some people bridle a bit at the idea of praising people for doing tasks that don’t go above and beyond. A wife might feel resentful when given the suggestion to recognize her husband for mowing the grass, “No one gives me a trophy for doing the dishes every night.” Most people who work might find the suggestion to thank their administrative assistant for answering the phones a bit over the top. There are two reasons why we don’t want to wait for grand accomplishments before giving recognition. First, how often do we do things that really are above and beyond? Most of our days are full of routine activities. If we wait until someone does something special we’d be handing out praise sparingly. Additionally, giving the gift of appreciation brings new motivation to these sometimes mundane activities. When we tell our neighbor how beautiful his yard is, he in turn feels more motivated to weed whack and prune. His greater efforts make his yard look even more fabulous, which in turn feeds that spark of pride. If you show appreciation to the person who cooks your dinner at night, you might get homemade rather than Ragu.
“You have the patience of a saint. I have no idea how you answer these phones all day and keep such a wonderful demeanor. It seems like such a small task to some, but in reality if you didn’t answer the phones like you do…we’d be out of business.”
If you are wondering how often appreciation needs to be shown, the answer is every single day, at least once a day. Some of your appreciation may come in a short hand form. Instead of saying how glad you are to see your wife come in the door, you short hand it with a truly enthusiastic, “Hey Sweetheart” and a slightly lingering kiss. You might question if this greeting is done every day whether it would become rote. The answer is “no.” Would you get tired of knowing that someone is looking forward to you coming through the door? You scratch your head and wonder, “I need to thank my husband every time he does the dishes?” The answer is, “yes.” Why wouldn’t you? If he weren’t doing them, you would. The same goes with telling your wife that the bathroom she just cleaned sparkles. And you need to make your child feel wonderful in some way, every day. Some argue that giving this much praise will breed a sense of self importance and narcissism. I argue that expecting people to do tasks all day that you don’t have the desire, time, position or talent to do is the true attitude of entitlement. And there are few people who won’t reciprocate. Appreciation is only overdone when given ingenuously.
“Baby, staying on top of all the finances is a detailed and time consuming task. It is such a comfort to know you are on it.”
If you presently only show appreciation sparingly, the idea of expressing it daily can be a little overwhelming and realistically a bit uncomfortable. You may have to actually write a reminder note for yourself and think of your comments ahead of time. Your goal might start at once a week and then gradually work your way to every day. A well placed sticky note may be more comfortable than stating gratitude directly in the beginning. Regularly saying the words, “thank you for…” or “great job at…” may be an easier place to start. If you rarely take note of others, these simple words will definitely be heard by those craving your recognition. Couples can begin to keep a written gratitude exchange. This is as simple as getting a notebook and making the commitment that each person will write a sentence of gratitude for the other to read each day. Both mates need to be completely open to this in order for it to work. No matter what way you decide to express your gratitude make sure there are no “buts” attached. An example, “The yard looks great, but next time try not weed whack into my flowers.” If there is a “but” in your statement it is no longer one of appreciation but rather one of instruction or gently phrased criticism.
“Thank you so much for giving such excellent customer service. You handled my request so quickly and professionally. Now a days I don’t take this for granted.”
We may be hesitant (or a tad resentful) to be the first one to get the appreciation ball rolling. You may feel you don’t have it in you to give. Yet the wonderful thing about sharing gratitude is that it always comes back to us in some form or fashion. In time, those that you are praising begin to learn the experience of appreciation and begin to share it with others (most times including you). Even those that will never learn the vocabulary of gratitude will take greater care of the tasks they know are important to you. The greatest thing about regularly passing out appreciation is the incredible feeling we get when we see our recipient blush, shift and stand a little taller. There is no better feeling than sparking pride in another. If we all make this commitment we can begin to turn our appreciation scarcity into satiation. Once full, we will in turn be able to appreciate ourselves.
“You are the most beautiful child a parent can have. Your kind heart and courage inspire me. I love you.”