This morning I sit with my cup of coffee and enjoy a sunny, mentally peaceful morning. It feels like the calm after a storm. I got caught up in regressive rumination last week and it was consuming. Ruminating is when we mentally chew on a situation over and over and over again. During this obsessive thinking we are usually upset by how we or another person handled a situation. We feel we did or said something that will make others dislike us, or we are the one feeling slighted. Under the guise of figuring out how to handle things, we hit the replay button countless times. Last week I made my way through daily tasks and pleasant distractions, yet the tumbling drier of my mind quietly ran in the background. And with each quiet moment, I was relieved to turn up the volume and spin unencumbered. I mentally chewed in bed, shopping lines, the shower, while rocking my son to sleep and walking my dog. Mental brooding isn’t a pretty picture, especially when the level becomes rageful. It’s nasty business but I believe we all do it. Although rumination is a part of human nature, we can set the spiritual goal to tame and eventually let it go all together. Releasing rumination takes years of conscious effort and patient honing. In time, with each downturn of the volume, we come more fully into our spirit, bringing greater peace to our lives and the world.
In order to release ruminations, it’s important to understand that at its core is ego judgment. There are two types of thinking; spirit and ego. Spirit thinking is always aligned, telling us what is universally true about ourselves and others. When we listen to our higher spirit our lives flow and we are generally at peace. Our spirit knows we are gorgeous and wise. Since we have spent a lifetime receiving and believing the opposite message, our ego is what works overtime to puff up a false and superficial sense of ourselves. Ego and spirit are the proverbial angel and devil sitting on our shoulders. Since the devil is louder, manipulative and obnoxious we tend to listen to it more. Our ego is all about fear and we’ve come to believe we can’t survive without it. Ego thinking is based in misinformed entitlement, responsibility, assumption, martyrdom, under and over self valuing. In my opinion, judging takes up the largest chunk of ego mental space. Each time we judge someone, we give ourselves a compliment. This is more overtly the case when we are gossiping. It is more subtle when we take a mental notes about people. If he is an idiot, we are smart. When we assess a coworker’s outfit, we have fashion sense. We egoically give ourselves back handed compliments throughout the day. When we go into a deeper delving of judgmental rumination, we luxuriate in our grievance towards another usually turning ourselves into victims and martyrs. Or our self loathing puts us into a pocket where we are obsessed with ourselves. It is the five star ego dining experience.
There are two sides to the perseveration coin; judgment of others and judgment of ourselves. While we usually have a preference for one or the other, both usually present themselves during a rumination cycle. Earlier in my spiritual journey when triggered, I would go into intense self shaming floggings that would last for hours, with what felt like no escape. I would lament and obsess over things I allegedly said or did, believing I had lost someone’s respect, regard or affection. Nothing felt more devastating. Within these cycles I would unconsciously get to a point I could no longer tolerate, and would pop into anger at others. These projected spaces of anger were sorbets between servings of self loathing. Within this intense obsessive anxiety, I would lose my ability to function. Some of us primarily focus our anger on other people. If there is a hell, I believe it is within our own ego minds.
While the intensity of my ruminations has greatly decreased in volume and frequency, I am still evolving through residual layers of ego judgment. Let me share some discoveries I’ve made along the way that may help you on your own journey towards greater mental freedom.
- The evidence of my illusionary thinking became too overwhelming to support the spinning. We spend a lot of times preparing for a hurricane that turns out to be a rain shower. Our mistakes either aren’t noticed, are easily rectifiable, empathized with or supported through by others. The person you rage against may certainly be a disrespectful pain, but once you put down the magnifying glass you see them in their actual size.
- I began to see the hypocrisy in my ruminations. The thoughts we have about the person or situation are just as ugly, if not uglier than the way we feel we’ve been treated. May the carnal ideas we come up with as responses allow us to be empathic in how people get to low places.
- I woke up to the understanding that people’s treatment towards me isn’t personal. We believe someone is being disrespectful towards us, when most times that person is disrespectful in general.
- I then grew in the acceptance of the people in my life. Some people just aren’t interested, respectful, or understanding. Others are overtalkers, competitive and entitled. There are people who just don’t get it. Seriously…they don’t, and never will. That doesn’t make them bad people. Our anger, either direct or passive aggressive, doesn’t change people. The idea that it can is egoic. If we accept people or circumstances as they are, we no longer have unreasonable expectations.
- I grew in my understanding of a larger picture. Everyone is dealing with daily stress. We have arguments, bills to pay, ailing parents, unreasonable bosses, broken pipes, misbehaving children…all that can temporarily put us in moments of projected frustration. And people who were not respected, listened to, validated or empowered as children are rarely able to pass this along to others. The more prevalent their annoying behaviors, the stronger the indication of what they have survived in their own lives.
- I began to take more responsibility for myself and my life. Ruminating gives us the false belief that we are taking action. But thinking isn’t doing and doing takes a lot of courage.
- We can begin to respectfully assert ourselves more in the moment. If something needs to be addressed, then we can grow in our courage in doing so (preferably face to face).
- If there are people in our lives we can’t grow into acceptance for, then we have the choice to lovingly distance or step away from those relationships.
- We can let go of taking on duties and activities that we will only find ourselves resenting.
- Departments, jobs or careers might need to be reconsidered.
- The volume of my ego ruminations has gone down as the love for myself has gone up. When we truly begin to know that we are incredible spirits and recognize our own beauty, we don’t need to feed off of others to shore up our self esteem. As we love ourselves more, our understanding and forgiveness deepens.
- Becoming consciously awake to my ego spinning is sometimes enough to let it go. When we shine light on a rat, it usually finds its way to a hole. If awareness doesn’t do the trick, I never set myself up for an internal fight. Remember, if you shame yourself for judging, you’ve merely flipped the coin. Lovingly do what you can until the storm passes, which it always does.
- I always try to discover the underlying button, which always goes back to childhood. Search for how the circumstance or person’s response remind you of how you felt when you were young. Under the anger and self hatred is always pain, which takes more courage to feel. Journaling is a great way to get at this root. The more we heal the past, the less we are affected by the present.
- I am learning the wise lesson of delaying my response until I am clearly in a higher place; at least a day, if not more. The hard part is that our ego tricks us into believing we are more together than we really are in those moments. No matter how reasonable we think our solutions are, we need to respect that our ruminating is always fueled by misperceptions. Once on higher ground the action we will ultimately take is usually simpler and brings better results. Hence, not needing another bout of rumination.
I’ve put all of these strategies into action often enough that most times, I don’t have to consciously think about using them. Now when something disturbing happens, my ego rumination has begun to share space with my spirit. When I looked up “ruminate” on Dictionary.com, I was surprised by a second definition. Besides, “chew again or over and over,” the other option is, “to mediate on or ponder.” In between pockets of anger, I ponder what I am supposed to be learning from the person or situation. While I still can envision some satisfyingly nasty responses, I meditate on what might be going on behind the person’s actions or words. While empathy always brings down the level of pain, I know I can never know another person’s truth. While I can still feel some disappointment in myself, I am always forgiving. No matter what mistakes I make, I know I always have good intentions and am doing my best with the information I have. I surrender to the knowledge that no matter who started what, I am responsible for everything that comes to me in life. With responsibility, I can then hold onto the faith that the lessons for my growth will present themselves in time. I am also able to realize areas of my past that still need attention and healing. The people who cause us the most pain are the ones helping us learn the profound spiritual lessons intended for our lifetime. We are challenged to grow in empathy and forgiveness. We are called to rise into ourselves and claim our power. Through the relinquishing of our ego judgment of ourselves and others we grow in our ability to love. Learning to love is the core of our spiritual purpose for existence. I know I have much more to learn during my life. In the meantime I am grateful for the passing of storms and quiet peaceful cups of coffee.
Additional Resource: If you are ready to do some “hiking” on this, but prefer to remain doing so solo for the time, you might considering following my blog. While this topic is discussed additionally at Milepost 5.3, I hope you might scroll back through older posts and start right at the trailhead. Hiking Into the Discovery of Your Strength