As I sit at my desk this morning, I think about my week ahead. I am excited at the prospect of seeing two new “hikers” this week. No matter what circumstances new hikers are carrying, people are usually looking for ways to fix themselves so that they can finally attract or retain relationships. They want to know what it is about themselves that could have caused the failures in their lives. Many times people ask for coping skills to help them manage anger or anxiety. Everything for which they look, they also fear. If I actually find something that is inherently wrong, that would confirm that they are destined for a life of loneliness and failure. The underlying belief every hiker has is that they are not enough. Actually, the belief in inadequacy goes far beyond those seeking support. I believe the feeling of not being enough is universal. While there are many people who look confident on the outside, I don’t think I have met anyone who doesn’t have some feeling of inadequacy on the inside. The journey of uncovering the depth of our magnificently, gorgeous spirit is the purpose of our living. It is the miraculous nature of this journey that always has me smiling when I first meet new hikers. While they are looking for and fearing what is deeply wrong about them, our hiking together will only confirm the opposite. It is impossible for anyone to be less than truly remarkable.
Since the idea of our inadequacy is socialized into us from a very early age, sometimes we don’t even know we are carrying it. The belief that we aren’t enough becomes a part of our identity. Our discomfort in it becomes normal and ingrained. What we do recognize is our maladaptive coping and emotions. Many people experience ongoing depression and anxiety, without being able to put their finger on the cause. Hence we chalk it up to genetic and biological predisposition. People see their compulsive eating and assume that they are just out of control. Think of everyone drinking, shopping into debt, technology dependent, over working, watching a ton of television, popping pills, gambling, addicted to porn, compulsively perfectionistic…. To make sense of these emotions and behaviors, the conclusion we come up with is that we are weak, powerless, undeserving, repulsive. We feel we just aren’t good enough to make changes in our lives. Since many of us try over and over again to find ways to get happy and stop our compulsions, our belief in our defectiveness solidifies. This of course just feeds the fire of more depression and compulsions. The other illusion that shames us into darkness is that we are the only one out there dealing with all of this. I ask you to think of all of the people who you can recognize in what I’ve described. What portion of the population do you see coping and escaping in these ways? I see is a vast majority. It is a sign of our times.
Examining the belief that we are not enough, begs the question, “For what?” The answer always comes down to being loved. Some answer that they don’t have what it takes to be successful in their career. But in order to be professionally successful, people have to like you and feel you are competent. Hence professional success brings us back to love as well. People who aren’t in significant relationships doubt they ever will. Many in committed relationships feel their inadequacies are behind not being treated more attentively, while others fear abandonment. Since we don’t feel we are enough to be genuinely liked or loved, we aren’t at ease in life. We spend energy wondering what we said, could have said, what we did and need to do. When we aren’t actively thinking, we carry the low grade anxiety on a visceral level.
Whether I am doing it professionally, or you are doing it as a supportive friend, the most common way we work through the belief of unloveability is to directly challenge the secondary feeder beliefs. Your friend tells you how fat she is and you tell her that’s not true. I have people list out all of the reasons they aren’t enough. The lists usually include not attractive, dynamic, smart, funny, or interesting. They go on to tell me that they don’t have good judgment, are too emotional, scatter brained, incompetent, untalented, and an overall loser. While everyone feels alone in their self loathing, this list is universal. We can all see ourselves in these lists of weak attributes.
What I love to do with these lists is to make mince meat out of them. With the skill of a court lawyer, I demand definitions, evidence and examples. If someone believes they are too stupid, I ask how they got through school, or maintain their job. I do figure out whether the person is intellectually gifted. There are few of us that are so. I for one only have a normal level of intelligence. I know that based on my sister, who rarely studied but pulled A’s on her report cards. She is indeed gifted. I couldn’t get into med school if I tried. So what? Not all of us are supposed to be rocket scientists, invent the next i-pod, or do a heart transplant. There is also a difference between ignorant and informed. We may have to accept we aren’t gifted, at the same time I haven’t found anyone who truly ended up being stupid – if they were so, they wouldn’t be able to follow the conversation. When challenging any beliefs of inadequacy, people rarely have much to stand on.
What we find is that most of what people initially see as inherent weaknesses are actually transitory behaviors and moods. People believe that they yell too much, are jealous, have no direction, are moody, boring to talk to, or aren’t fun to be around. While some of this is fueled by low self esteem, some of it is triggered by people who aren’t treating us so well. We might not be fun to be around because we do everything we can for people not to notice us. Once we feel better, we can be more relaxed and sociable. Most times when people tell me they are jealous, we end up discovering that their loved one is provocative. Many people have a period of time when we don’t have a direction. None of these attributes are weaknesses. Once an underlying issue gets addressed and the person sees themselves differently, these seeming innate characteristics disappear.
Beyond challenging distorted thinking, there are indeed acceptances that need to be made. We may have to accept our natural body shape, that we are quiet or bold in nature, have unique interests or quirks. Yet there are few inherent quirks that can’t easily be reframed into remarkable strengths. In a chaotic world, the quiet person can end up being the grounding force and energy respite. Every comic needs a straight man. Flaky people are usually conceptual and creative, while detailed people aren’t always conceptual. It’s all perfect. Nothing that is indeed inherent is a flaw. There isn’t a baby that comes into this world that isn’t perfect. It’s the exposure and socialization that creates the illusion of inadequacy.
What also needs to be accepted is that we can’t change other people by changing ourselves. Not everyone is capable of loving us as we deserve. The most significant people for whom we must accept this about is our parents. The root cause of our feelings of inadequacy is the fact that our parents weren’t able to love us in the higher form of the word. They may feel love, have incredible intentions, provide for our needs, sacrifice in our name, and be dedicated, but not many parents have the ability to strongly infuse a sense of self into their children. The reason for this is that they don’t have it to pass on. A child who is never hugged, isn’t going to be comfortable with physical affection. When a child isn’t given praise, they won’t understand the importance of it for their own children. A man who has a strong, silent providing father believes that this how a man shows love. Anyone who is a parent understands the incredible challenge of being present with children. Not everyone is emotionally mature enough to be able to fulfill this higher calling. And before our generation, men and women didn’t have the option not to be parents. Having a child when we don’t aren’t ready for them is an incredible challenge. For all of these reasons most parents aren’t capable of seeing us at our deepest level, validating who we are, listening about our lives, and concerns or nurturing us on the level we all crave. We have believed that if we were only smarter, funnier, cuter, more successful, dynamic, or quieter, our parents would love us more. The reality is that it was never about us. We are as perfect as we were when we came out of the womb.
People have a frantic sense of needing to wake other people up so that they in turn can receive what they need. This of course feeds the belief that we aren’t good enough to save someone. We believe that if we just nurture and let someone know how wonderful they are, they will finally love themselves. If we can just be patient enough and loving enough, we can get them to love themselves. The reality is that most people don’t want to be saved. In order for us to wake up we must own ourselves, our behaviors and our lives. We must challenge the illusion of our parents’ omnipotence. If anger and depression have become a part of who we are, we must be ready to completely redefine ourselves. These necessities for life altering change take unspeakable courage. Holding onto a dysfunctional illusion is much, much safer. No matter what a person feels for you, it does not over power their subconscious fear of having the illusions of their lives, hence themselves dismantled. While that may be profoundly disappointing to you, it is disrespectful to try and force anyone to go into territory that they may not be able to handle. It is also incredibly unloving to yourself to believe that their fear has anything to do with you.
As I look down, I realize that in sharing all of this, I have finished my cup of coffee. It’s time for me to go get dressed, vacuum my office and prepare to greet these new hikers. They will walk in heavy and anxious. I will have them sit in which ever chair is most comfortable. I will listen to them share their stories and circumstances. In my heart I will feel nothing but joy. If they have come to see me I know it is their time to begin shedding the illusion that they aren’t enough for love. I’ll challenge their thinking, guide them towards accepting, and play with all of the possibilities of deeper meaning. I belief that the fact you are reading this, shows it is time for you as well. It is time for you to start, or go deeper into, the reality of who you truly are. The belief that you aren’t enough is an illusion. It is time to come into the realization that you are as gorgeous today as the day you were born.
Additional Resource: If you are ready to do some “hiking” on this, but prefer to remain doing so solo for the time, you might considering following my blog. While this topic is discussed additionally at Milepost 7, I hope you might scroll back through older posts and start right at the trailhead. Hiking Into the Discovery of Your Strength