When you think about the devil what image comes to mind? Do you think of a dark goateed man in a fiery spandex body suit holding a pitch fork? Maybe you think of the cool number dressed in Armani ready to negotiate you out of your soul. Possibly he is the man who morphs into a grotesque monster; grabbing you by repulsive claws to drag you into the depths of hell. I personally don’t believe in an entity called Satan, but I do believe in darkness and negative energy. Everything in our world is made of up atoms which contain positive energy (protons) and negative energy (electrons). The fact that there is negative energy in our universe makes scientific sense. Trying to figure out how this dark energy manifests itself in our personal world takes a more spiritual and discerning eye. In a spiritual sense many would say that positive energy is the loving light of God. Hence the opposite would be the darkness of hatred. If we look a little closer at hatred we find that fear is what lies beneath. Fear underlies all hatred and is the juxtaposed opposite of love. Love is light and fear is dark. Due to our uneasiness with it, many of us disassociate ourselves from negative energy. While we lightheartedly open the closet and look under the bed for our kids at night, most have no inclination to acknowledge the deepest universal fear that lie within ourselves. I am not speaking of our fear of snakes, rats or heights. The most life altering and powerful fear that is carried by at least half of us is the fear of…love. I believe that it is overcoming the fear of love that is the basis of many of our life’s purpose.
I know many of you will be a perplexed at the idea that love can incite fear. In actuality, the fear of love can be so strong that people will avoid it to the same degree they would a stalking devil. Take a moment and let that one sink in a bit. I know on the surface it sounds as odd as someone running from bunny rabbits or rainbows. Yet it all comes down to what love is associated with. If you were raised in genuine love as a child, you associate the word “love” with words such as “nurturing, safety, validation, empathy, caring, and concern.” Unfortunately, at least half of us were not raised by parents who had the capability to give genuine love. To those of us in this category the word “love” is equated with “pain, indifference, unpredictability, sacrifice, and rejection.” And since most children don’t understand that there are actually people who exist in the world who aren’t capable of love, they internalize that there is something inherently flawed or wrong with them that insights the indifference or abuse they receive. They believe that this flaw is so repulsive that their other characteristics or actions will never be good enough to make up for it. So not only do these children grow into adults who fear love, they also come to fear themselves.
If love is equated with pain and rejection and if we have a repulsive flaw then the best way to protect ourselves is by either avoiding or controlling elements of both. The classic term for ways in which we subconsciously protect ourselves from the fear of love’s perceived pain is “defense mechanism.” Let’s first look at defense mechanisms which protect us from people taking too close of a look at us. If there is something horribly wrong with us, we certainly don’t want to expose this to other people or even see it ourselves. And since we can’t quite put our finger on what that flaw is, it is best to just hide. The intensity in which we use these defense mechanisms is connected to level of severity of our perceived flaw. Let me list some of these defense mechanisms and one way that they each can be utilized as protection…
- Depression – if nothing can change, we don’t have to take action.
- Anxiety – over analysis paralyzes us from doing something that might be seen.
- Fear of success – if we succeed people will take note of us
- Under achievement – same as above
- Isolation – disappearing is the easiest way not to be seen
- Workaholic – work takes over as a personal identity
- People pleasing – controlling that people will only see good in us
- Talking too much – controls conversation away from what we don’t want people to know or ask
- Obesity – repels people; gives buffering rationale for rejection
- Remaining single – never having to take the risk of ultimate expected loss.
- Over controlling - if we are perfect we won’t be rejected
- Criticism and judgment – offensive defense; judge before being judged
- Alcohol and drug addiction – escape from reality, self and life
- Chronic procrastination – protection from ultimate rejection of results
For many of us the innate drive towards connectedness draws us into relationships despite our fears. However, when love is equated with pain and rejection we must buffer against deeper intimacy at all costs. The closer we get to someone the more is at stake to loose. Let’s take a look at some of the defense mechanisms we subconsciously use to hold ourselves at a distance. Again note that I share just one way that each defense can be used as protection.
- Not spending quality time – someone has to have time with you in order to know you.
- Infidelity – you can’t fully connect with one person if you are sexually involved with others.
- Hyper criticism – disempowering others holds them at bay
- Refusing to forgive – rationale for not moving forward towards love
- Being too dependent – loosing ourselves in others allows us to hide from ourselves.
- Partnering with someone dependent – buffers odds of being rejected
- Porn addiction – objectifying buffers us from “seeing” others
- Persistent arguing – creates buffer from intimacy and trust
- Self loathing – the more you love yourself the more you open yourself up to be loved.
- Sexual power struggles – attempting to control sex in a relationship buffers intimacy.
- Accepting abuse – bad relationships don’t cost as much to loose
Whew that is long list of self protection to process through. These lists are not even comprehensive. And if you think reading through the list is tiring, think of all the energy it takes to keep up these defense mechanisms day in and day out. Most times people have two or three of these going on simultaneously. That is some hard core protecting. And even though these defense mechanisms don’t sound so great, good luck with attempting to get people to drop them. Think about Linus from Charles Schultz’s, “Peanuts.” After getting his philosophizing butt kicked for still carrying a blanket through high school, he gets to the gym and buffs up. Using his blanket as a gym towel, Linus bulks up into a 250 pound mass of imposing muscle. At 25, Linus is a completely bald, bad ass who stands up to anyone who dare think about touching his blanket. And although physically tough, he still runs from Sally’s love and admiration.
While the thought of letting our guard down is scary, sometimes the maladaptive consequence of our defenses comes to out weigh their benefit. Sometimes an innate drive to heal drives us to begin to let go. The first step in stopping our fear is to return to a clear and accurate definition of love. Love in its true form of nurturing, caring, accepting, forgiving, validating, and growing is only to be worked towards and embraced. There is no love in darkness. If you avoid the intimacy that brings you closer to love, then you need to come to the profound understanding that you were not genuinely loved in the true sense of the word. Those of us who were not loved were raised by parents who misunderstood the definition based on their own upbringing. It is time to end the intergenerational legacy of the passing down of fear in the name of love. In order for this to stop we must turn to a purer definition of the word. Realizing that your defenses are not actually protecting you from love but a negatively mutated imposter, helps you know that you are actually working towards deeper safety than you have previously experienced in your life.
The second step in relinquishing fear is faith that genuine love exists, even if you haven’t had any experiences with it. Since love has been something to fear, you have avoided those who have this capability. In order to protect yourself from the knowledge that your parents didn’t understand love, you have sought out experiences to support their mutated definition of it. It takes courage to have faith that something else is out there. If you have some inkling that there is a God, this may be your starting point. If God is indeed love, discovering your understanding of it will be a powerful underpinning. You must also have faith in the possibility that you are not inherently flawed any more than any other human on this planet. There are people and experiences out there that are ready to reflect back a more accurate view of who you really are when you are ready. These reflectors are the people whose light has made you uncomfortable to be around most of your life.
Overcoming fear necessitates becoming and then remaining conscious. We cannot overcome what we do not acknowledge. We must take an inventory of our defense mechanisms and observe how they control our thinking through out the day. Don’t be overwhelmed when you discover how much fear has ingrained itself into your life. In every moment of every day we are either thinking or acting out of love or fear. If we fear love, then we spend our days in darkness. Becoming conscious mustn’t be momentary, but rather permanent. Fears can be like mischievous children. If left unsupervised they can wreak havoc. We keep these children in our presence at all times so that we can begin to shape their behavior into something more positive.
In walking from fear to love, we must find aspects of light that we can begin to incorporate into our lives to fill the holes left behind from removal of our defensive bricks. In taking away our defenses we must not leave ourselves with a void. We can fill our void by looking for more loving people to surround ourselves with. New activities and hobbies that excite us can be explored. We can begin to read new books or look at new programs that will fill us with new perspectives. Figuring out what we believe about God and the universe is a powerful filler. Our careers might be evaluated to ensure we are acting out our purpose and passions.
The last that must be done is to summon our courage to respect the origins of our fears but then walk through them in order to make new choices in our lives which will bring us closer to genuine love. Since the light of love is unknown to many, it makes sense that we are fearful of walking towards it. We must embrace our new found faith in love and the possibility that we are truly worthy to take steps away from old fearful patterns. I do not know the source, but I have heard the quote, “Courage is not acting in the absence of fear, it is acting despite it.”
It is important to understand that the relinquishing of your defense mechanisms to open yourself to receiving and giving genuine love must be a slow and gradual process. This is not a thrill ride that drops the floor out from underneath leading to a free fall. More research shows that obese people who have gastric bypass surgery before they are emotionally healed take on other defenses such as sexual addiction and alcoholism soon after surgery. One defense is traded for another if taken too quickly. The process must be calculated and slow; letting go of the small and least powerful first. With each step away from the dark, we must reach out for the light and become acclimated to it in each step. Once newly adjusted, another small layer of defense can be relinquished.
If Linus still had his blanket at 25, 40 or 50, demanding its immediate full release could be cause for hospitalization. Instead Linus could begin cutting it down in size in increments that would feel comfortable to him. Each month a seamstress could shorten it by a few inches. Eventually Linus would only be left with a piece small enough to fit in his pocket. With each step he would feel greater self pride in his ability to overcome such a powerful undertaking. The smaller his blanket would become, the less obvious it would be; allowing more people to acknowledge him for who he is rather than seeing his security blanket first. People would begin to see and focus on his philosophizing and wisdom. With this more accurate reflection of who he is, Linus would return to the calm and centered person he once was as a child. In time, Linus would completely let go of his blanket. And surprisingly, the next time he saw Sally, he would be ready to return her kiss.